Lie, lay, lain

Today, I will lie down, much more than I ought to. Yesterday, I lay down even more than that, and if I’m not careful, I will have lain around doing nothing for far too long… (Their is no object to the action…only a subject. The subject is lying down.)

and lay, laid, laid. Today, I lay my book writing aside one more time. Much to my frustration, I laid it aside yesterday as well. This should not surprise me, as I have laid my work aside for months. (The subject is doing something to an object. The subject is laying down an object.)

Haha… I looked this up today, and thought I’d share. It’s very fitting because lying around  and laying aside my work is, indeed, what I’ve been doing for months. I’m 11 weeks pregnant and so very… very, very sick. It always happens this way for me. My body does not do pregnant well, and I just sort of fall off the planet for 3-5 months. Fortunately, the Lord has given me the sweetest of men. My husband does all of the grocery shopping for me, and has completely taken over dinners (while I shut myself into our bedroom to escape the smells, and occasionally into the bathroom for a 20 min shower if I can still smell dinner through the door). For a while there I could smell my kids skin… and my own, which was really awful because I couldn’t get away from me. I had to douse myself in lotion and lavender oil until it finally passed. Thankfully, I’m doing better than that now (despite my continual weight loss due to the nausea). I still can’t join my family at the dinner table as much as I’d like… and I have to hold my breath whenever I open the fridge or freezer, but I’m holding breakfast down. Yay!!! Small pleasures.

I also have four really sweet and crazy children who are a big help to me. My oldest is 10, then 8, 6, and 3. That last one will be 4 by the time this new one comes along. Why the gap? Two years ago, we had an “oops”… and I was terribly ungrateful for it, I’m ashamed to admit. We lost that one early in the first trimester, and the guilt (as you might imagine) was all the more overwhelming because of it. The next year, my husband and I decided to have another child on purpose. I’d never had trouble getting pregnant (usually on the first try), but not staying pregnant was something I hadn’t experienced before. We lost that one too. Thankfully, the second loss healed me from the first one, as the Lord brought my very special long-distance friend along side me, to whisper some truth into my ear. I’m grateful for the words that God gave her, and I’m thankful for my sweet little ones in Heaven. It’s funny, because I think that we are prone to think that if a child isn’t born to this earth, something awful has happened. But I think now, that the Lord desired a soul for His own purposes in Heaven (never meant for this world), and that He used Aaron and I as the means to create it. What an honor. I will see my precious Alex and Macaiah again, someday, and I can hardly wait to hear how the Lord’s been using them for His glory.

Now, a year later, I’m pregnant again. It was unexpected (as my husband was disheartened about trying for more), but not unwanted. I won’t lie and say that I haven’t been a bit paranoid about the whole thing, but I continue to “lie” at His feet, and “lay” (haha…thought I’d throw those in there again) its future in the Lord’s hands. My doctor has been very sweet, and allowed me to come in every two weeks instead of monthly until I’m out of my first trimester… which I almost am. So this is why I will have a four year gap in between my last set of kids. And between you and me (and everyone I come into contact with) I couldn’t be happier!!! I’ve never had such a big gap! What will I do with myself? My three year old is potty trained, three out of four can buckle and unbuckle  themselves in the car (a huge mile stone!), and I don’t even have to dress my youngest… who on occasion sneaks out of the bathtub un-shampooed and un-washed to dry herself off and get dressed on her own because she was tired of playing. I may or may not put her back in to finish the job… just sayin.

I love to write, but I can’t breath without my children, and sometimes I feel like I’m letting quality time with them slip through my fingers as I stare at my phone and lap top. I did manage to edit my second book and send it off to some friends and beta readers for further corrections, but I’ve given myself a solid month off. I may feel too sick to interact with them as much as I’d like to, but I can hug and cuddle and squeeze them, and look them in the eye when they come to me with a question or discovery. Thank you, Lord, for our children, and forgive us as a people for not valuing these precious lives as much as we should.


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